Trick or....treat?

I am so disappointed today and over a stupid picture. All I wanted to do with this blog was do something to make myself feel better about turning 40. In the beginning I wanted to do something special each month leading up to the event. Well...here we are in November and I really have nothing to show for myself. I sound like a whiny baby and I am trying to keep perspective.  I think it is not so much about the unran 5k or the family Halloween photo that didn't happen. I really think it is my disappointment in not being able to stay dedicated to this project. I thought I would be able to devote time to this more often than I am. 

 

Halloween...we finally got a family themed costume idea that everyone would be on board with. Everyone was supposed to be a character from the Adventure Time cartoon. The night of Halloween, the two year old  refused to put his Jake jowls on, Beemo (my oldest)was doubled over on the couch with his weekly stomach pain episode and Finn (my husband) was stuck in traffic, late getting home from work. So we were already behind the eight ball right out of the gate. When we finally had a chance to try to take the photo, candy pieces littered the floor, the little guy was mesmerized by a blue bag of cool ranch Doritos and a camera malfunction added to the pandemonium that ensued. My husband told me that I expected the world and then the Fire Princess (me)  literally saw red and the effed up photo shoot came to an end. 

 

I don't really ask for much but I hate to admit it, I was asking for the world at that moment. You cannot control kids especially when a camera is in play but I was tasting failure again, and I was defeated. Sometimes I feel like the things I want to do often wind up at the bottom of the pile, perhaps to be revisited when I am about to turn 50. I feel like I am constantly getting lost in the shuffle.

 

But on the upside, a few neat things have happened that have made me realize that trying new things, may be the key to youth. I ate a slice of tomato for the first time a few weeks ago. A coworker brought in homemade hoagies and there were slices of tomato on them. I didn't want to pick them off in front of the others in the office so...I chomped away. Not bad. Also I've started drinking black coffee at work. This also started because I am new in the office and didn't want to look like a sissy and say, "hey, where is the half and half? Sugar?" I am not saying that this is my new mode of drinking coffee but I am enjoying it in my work setting. I also like the decrease in my sugar intake!

 

Last week, I was told that despite the fact that I have 3 children, one of whom is 11, I look about 19. Ok, this is so far from the truth, especially since a  dye job is months overdue and I am a few weeks away from looking like Emmy Lou Harris but... sometimes lies when spoken by a man who is not your husband are easy on the ear. So what if the guy is in his 50's, is on his second marriage, and has 8 kids? A compliment is a compliment damn it, right?

 

 

 

 

 

Disappointed

Here we are a little over a month into my blog and I must say I'm a little disappointed. I really had hoped to make some progress in making myself a priority but who am I kidding. I am trying to keep the glass half full by looking at the couple of firsts I did have over the past 5 weeks. Even though they were not on the list of things I wanted to do, I am making them count.

I did get a facial which I did allude to in an earlier post. The experience was awesome and the $60 in product I bought is a gift that keeps on giving...just got credit card statement. I do feel good that I am using something expensive and Hungarian on my face each day. (Of course my husband would argue that he's Hungarian and could whip up something for free!) I think I may thin it out too much with water to make it last longer, so that may diminish its benefits. I try hard to look at my reflection and say, "Wow, that shit makes me look like I'm in my 20's!" I know it is not true but I haven't used the mask that came with the travel sized kit yet. So awesome results may be in my future. Maybe I'll wait until I'm 6 months from 40 for that. Looks like I have a date in March.

I also saw my husband and son perform together in a band. Ok, not a real band but one I put together just for my daughter's 9th birthday. She had a rock n' roll themed party and I thought it would be awesome to get my musically inclined relatives to perform her favorite One Direction song, "What Makes You Beautiful." I can't believe how my cousins and inlaws came together for this occasion. We had my brother-in-law on keyboard, my cousin's son on drums and her soon to be fiancé on guitar, my other cousin's husband on vocals, my husband on bass and my son on cello. They practiced individually but rehearsed the day of the party. Even though I was semi pissed when it was time for the show, because I had been running the party solo upstairs while the Miller Lites were flowing in the garage, it really was worth it. My daughter loved it and so did all the party people. I was so proud of everyone but especially my husband and my son. Both are very shy and came out of their comfort zones to make a little girl happy. This was my dream and I made it happen...this makes me feel young and hip and so...rock n' roll.

I may not have been doing what I wanted to do over the past month, my 5k or taking an art class but I have been busy. Rediscovering myself has to involve the person I am now, a wife and mother. Finding ways to be myself within these roles is what makes the journey tricky. Being satisfied with what I am able to achieve within my current constraints is what I struggle with.

Here Come The Waterworks

It happened again. Another pre 40 meltdown. The first one happened a few months ago while watching the movie This Is 40. As Paul Rudd's wife in the movie was celebrating her 39th birthday, again, I had a harsh realization that my August 2013 birthday would be my final for my thirty's. The tears came and they came hard. I could not stop the powerful emotions that overtook me. I woke up the kids with my wailing and scared my husband. He normally is a good consoler but the vibe I was getting was "what the Faaaaaa?"

So this second one happened last night. This time we were watching a tv show and a 9 year old boy asked his dad how old he was. The dad muttered 41, and the kid replied, that is old. Much like the first time, the tears just gushed but luckily all kids remained in bed. The main thing different about this time, is that Rex Goliath was in the house and so was my monthly visitor, whom we  affectionately call Hilda. Both may have helped to create a perfect storm of irrational emotionalty.

My husband was even less consoling last night and I think he is over it. The whole me wanting to have a huge 40th birthday party is not what bothers him its the me trying to plan, organize and direct the event. I think he really wants to do something nice but I am not letting him for fear of being disappointed. I know in my heart I cannot be disappointed on this birthday especially in my aging state of mind.

Men just don't get it. I told my husband that part of the problem is that his sexiest years are still ahead of him...salt and pepper hair, furrowed brow, hearing loss. My sexiest days are past. Of course that is probably not a result of my age but because of the three children I carried. Holy stretch marks Batman! I had my first ever facial last weekend, which was awesome but I ended up buying a $60 travel size kit of products because I was told my face is showing signs of aging. When I told my husband about the organic Hungarian face crème I bought, his response was take it back. He then brought up my 92 year old grandmother who had great skin for nine decades and all she used was Noxzema and nicotine.

So in closing I have learned a few things, I need to stop watching movies and tv for awhile and start smoking.

Running On Empty

Today I had to be at work at 5 a.m. I normally do not start work at this time and what I am doing is similar to freelance work so it is only on occasion. Thank GOD. Operating on maybe 5 hours of sleep and then trying to carry out some semblance of a day is crazy. I do manage to take a short nap but it is my three amigos that do me in.

My husband always tells me to take it easy when I am doing this shift but that is not part of my DNA. I want to do it all, have it all and lose it all before bedtime. I have been trying to train for a 5K, which was supposed to be the kick off of my Takin' Back 40 celebration year. Of course running any distance is not a celebration but a near death experience for me. I ran track in high school but I was the worst runner EVER. My parents wouldn't even show up for my meets, that's how bad I was. I earned a 4th place once, which for me was like winning a gold medal, but there were only 5 of us in this particular heat. (Not sure what was wrong with the 5th place winner. I think she may have had the flu and was disoriented.)

Anyway, there is a race on Saturday in a community I am very familiar with. I am pretty sure I can do it and have been able to run 3 miles a couple times in the past two weeks. The problem is, with my work schedule this week, my training time is limited. I had to take the kids with me on my run today and I knew this created the possibility for trouble. It was 85 degrees and past 4 o'clock. My energy level was not optimal and pushing an 11 year old clunky stroller as you run is like something Rocky should have done when he was training to take on Mr. T.

Needless to say, I only ran 2 miles. Ok, almost 2 miles but I didn't want my older children to have to call 911 when I collapsed. The verdict is still out on what I will decide about Saturday's race but the time at the park today was not all in vain. The kids made a new friend, we saw a heron, a turtle and lots of ducks in the lake near the track. I managed to enjoy one of our final afternoons before we cross the finish line of summer vacation. Taking it all in instead of getting it all done might be the new way to go.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Me! Today is brought to you by the number 39 and in case I forgot how to write it, my kids have provided several reminders all over our house. I thought the day started off very well with breakfast in bed and church with the family. Unfortunately, the day ended with me and my buddy insomnia trying to milk the last couple minutes out of my birthday.

My husband tried so hard to make the day special. From the meals to the homemade red velvet cake and even a touch of romance, but the age thing is a real hurdle I need to overcome. He wrote something in my card about the first birthday we spent together 16 years ago and I could feel my chest tighten and my eyes well with tears. Later in the evening, my 11 year old told me how getting older is great because you start to get discounts on things. I told him I would not be getting my AARP card any time soon.

My parents came over after dinner for cake and to give me a few presents. One of them was a framed picture of former Pittsburgh Pirate Willie Stargell. This may seem like a strange gift for a non sports gal like myself but I read something about him recently that made him my new ambassador. He earned the MVP award for his performance in the 1979 World Series at the age of 39. When you look at what he accomplished that year, it makes me think that maybe I need to not focus so much on my age and the numbers that are ahead. My anxiety could be a crutch and I don't need anything else in my way. I need to choke up on the bat and start swingin'. But for right now, I need to pull up the covers and start sleepin'. I can't be dragging when I'm running those bases.

First One

Ok. Here I go. As is the case with most things in my life, I am diving in. I am not sure if I am doing it right or if I have done enough research but I am confident I have overthought this decision to blog. I thought keeping a blog would be the perfect way to mark the journey to my 40th birthday. I am having a tough time with 40 so I won't dwell on that. I'll be 39 on Sunday and am the oldest of my siblings and close cousins. My husband is a year younger so it feels like a maiden voyage. Since this in only my first post, I'm going to keep it simple.

 Getting old sucks. Maybe not the getting old but feeling old.  Even though I have been very blessed, I feel that I have spent the last 11 years taking care of kids and others. Now I realize that is not a bad thing to have been doing  but somewhere along the line I lost myself. As I approach 40, I am going to try to rediscover myself and do some things that I have wanted to do. The end goal? A huge 40th birthday party that I want my husband to plan but am actually going to plan myself. I want it done right, right?

I hope to write often as I attempt to document the next 12 months. I hope to do something exciting each month as I approach my 40th. Not everything has been worked out yet but it will be an adventure either way. Getting to this point is a huge step for me. Gold star for today.