Pictures of You

It was always an unwritten rule.

No social media contact with ex-boyfriends. This was a rule out of respect for my husband. Old relationships were in the past for a reason and as someone who gets crazy jealous, I didn't want to set a precedent I would not feel comfortable with if the roles were reversed. 

Let's face it - the majority of us dated others before we found that truly special someone. I do know a few couples that married their first love but I, alas, did not. As Garth Brooks sang "thank God for unanswered prayers" and no truer song has ever been sung.

I personally do not have issues to resolve with these former significant others - I am not holding any torches for the less than 5 people I dated seriously before my husband. 

But that doesn't mean I haven't been curious. How did their lives turn out? Are they happy? What do they look like now? 

Over the years I have had the unexpected run in with an old flame. My favorite one is the one that occurred when I was eight months pregnant with my second child. I was feeling huge and awkward and my discomfort only multiplied by the fact that my husband was also part of the reunion. Talk about weird.

The strained conversation could not end soon enough but then my imagination got the better of me. What did he think of me? What did he think of my husband? Was he feeling a little regret or was my Mother Earth physique just enough to keep those thoughts at bay?

There has been one individual who has alluded me for decades. I don't think it makes me a bad person to admit from time to time I was curious about this person. We dated for 2.5 years. Not a long time when compared to the 22 years I've known my husband, but enough time to leave an impression on your heart. 

I just wanted to know how things turned out. Through contact with a mutual friend I knew he was married and had children. But I wanted to see what he looked like now and what his wife looked like. You know typical thoughts. I had no desire to actually chat with this person. Too much time had passed. 

My main social media platform has been Facebook, to which this person does not have a presence. A few years ago I created an Instagram account, just for posting artsy photos, but I didn't use it for more than a year. The funny thing was, when I finally was motivated to use it, I had twenty followers lined up to see what I was going to share and this particular former boyfriend was at the top of the list. 

Sometimes life is funny that way. 

I remember the first photo he liked of mine. It was a photo of an art installation in Downtown Pittsburgh with the lyrics to a Queen song. It did not surprise me that he liked it because he had been a big fan of the band. 

I remember feeling incredibly guilty for the above mentioned reason that I am a jealous person and I would have been a little miffed if one of my husband's old flames liked one of his photos. But I justified it as simply clicking on an icon. There were no words exchanged. No real contact made - just a little acknowledgment that "Hey, I like your photo." The contact ended there. That simply.

During the past year, he has probably only liked two of the things I posted, probably because I only post things here and there and probably because he has better things to do. But then the other day happened.

It was a quiet snow day evening and my phone started making alert sounds. A few back to back. When I checked my phone there was an actual Instagram written message from this former boyfriend. "I was just going through some old photos and thought you might like them. I hope you're doing well." He had attached 11 pictures of 21-year-old me straight out of the way back machine. 

The photos provided a step back in time that was not solicited or initiated on my part, in any way, but captured me just the same. I shared the photos with my kiddos and my daughter was so sweet. She said, "Mom, you look the same." (You gotta love four-eyed kids.)

I felt the need to respond to at least thank him for sending the photos. I kept it brief also stating I hoped he was doing well. He replied that he was and that he has great kids. 

Contact ended. Conversation complete. 

The feelings stirred up were mostly guilt so I shared the message and the photos the next morning with my husband. I didn't make a big deal of it because it wasn't really. Just a little trip down memory lane. My husband was quick to bring up how I would have reacted had the roles been reversed and I knew that to be true, but irrelevant.  

It is nice that after 23 years clarity can be precise. Things happen for a reason and although heartbreaks are a part of the journey, and, for me, it was a tough one a couple decades ago, I now see what God had in store for me. I am content knowing the road traveled led me to a man who helped me pick up the pieces and helped me create a home filled with three unique kiddos. 

It is weird to look back at that 21-year-old girl and know all the things that were in store for her. It is nice to be able to say I wouldn't change a thing and yes, I am well.