Things like this normally hit me hard.
Milestone birthdays for my kids usually get the waterworks flowing. Double digits, thirteen, sixteen, eighteen but this particular one is unchartered territory.
The big 2-0!
First, I don't know how this is even possible. Where did the time go? How did our first born go from being the most easy-going baby you could ask for to a young man who will soon emancipate himself from our home and start his very own journey. In the blink of an eye, I tell you, it all happened.
My feelings are mostly of shock and disbelief. Do I look old enough to have a 20-year-old? Who am I kidding? I sure do! I've got the recently dyed grays and whites to prove it. I can barely get the words about his milestone birthday, when the subject comes up, but the reality sets in quick and it is like a punch in the gut.
Ugh....
Sometimes it is hard to remember the little boy he was. The things I remember most are his voracious appetite for reading, his great taste in music and his curiosity about the world around him. Not much has changed, although the reading part has decreased thanks to the iPhone, but you can add that as he has matured, he has cultivated an amazing sense of humor which is the envy of his father and I.
I am not sure what my expectations were for my first child once he arrived on the scene. The little baby who entered this world a week early. (His lack of promptness now makes his entrance twenty years ago quite surprising.) I could never have imagined the journey this shy little boy would take us on which began with reading before age 4, an extended potty training, and a painful adjustment to kindergarten.
He eventually ditched the pull-ups, made friends in school and then took an interest in joining an eastern European song and dance group. He started taking cello lessons and had orchestra concerts.
He was co-salutatorian of his senior class during the pandemic and then he was accepted into the longest running live stage production group in the country, The Tamburitzans (formerly associated with Duquesne University), and has spent the last year traveling across the U.S.performing with them.
I know this is just the beginning. It is exciting, sad and scary all at the same time. Just like the way I felt unprepared to become a parent in the first place, that is how I feel with this next chapter about to start. No one prepares you for the letting go or for the worry you experience each time there is something new and unexpected thrown at you.
My son goes away for weeks at a time now. His college communicates solely with him. He makes big decisions on his own. He is fighting each day for his independence and I know his wings are ready to fly. But am I ready to let go?
I don't have immediate memories of my 20th birthday but I can guess how I must have been feeling: optimistic, happy yet anxious about what path I should choose for my career. My son is feeling these now as well. All we can do is encourage him every step of the way to not let fear dictate what he should set his sights on.
I am thankful for the people who have come into his life and have helped guide him along the way. Yes, I am his mother but I cannot take sole credit for the person he is today. He has had great teachers, great friends and a loving family that have been there for him for the first two decades of his life. I know there will be others to help guide him during the next leg of his journey and I am hopeful they will be as awesome as the first cast.
It is hard to put into words all of the things you wish for your children. Obviously, you want them to be safe and healthy but I also want my son to find his passion. Find his happiness. Life is too short to have an ordinary life. In his first two decades he has been anything but ordinary and he is soon going to have complete control of the reins.
Am I nervous? Yes, I am. But is he ready? Yes, he is.
Happy 20th birthday to my first born. May he continue to bless the world with talents and may his journey be everything he wishes for and more.
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