One month.
If you had talked to me back in September, I would have told you it was too soon. I wasn't ready. Oh yeah, he was ready, but I, was not. You see, he is my first to finish 12 years of school, 14 if you count preschool and kindergarten. How could it possibly be time for him to graduate?
This is the kid who did not want to go to kindergarten. This is the kid who cried and would not let go of me when I tried to drop him off at school. This is the kid who had to be pried off of my leg by the school principal in order to enter the building. How could it possibly be time for him to start college?
I expected my emotions to be all over the place right now - wondering if I would be able to keep it together as we commemorated all of his lasts - his final orchestra concert, final National Honor Society ceremony, final awards night - leading up to the prom and then finally graduation. Now my emotions are really all over the place wondering just how Covid-19 will transform every preexisiting vision of him receiving his diploma.
During his freshman, sophomore and junior years in high school my son was part of an ensemble that played Pomp and Circumstance for the baccalaureate service honoring members of the senior class. I imagine at each of those events, as the notes he played on his cello blended into a monotonous, repetitive tone, his mind wandered ahead to his own graduation. "One day, kids will be playing this for ME and oh how good it will feel to be on the other side."
No one knew that the other side would look a lot different.
I struggle with grief-like feelings these days. I cry often. (My poor husband.) I am not ashamed to write about it. I hope it will help. I'm sad for losing what I was looking forward to. I'm sad for what my son will miss as he spends the last days of his senior year at home. Sometimes I'm conflicted about these feelings knowing others are going through much tougher circumstances. But grief is grief - you've got to ride the waves.
Earlier this week, I was asked to take a survey about how I would like to see my son's graduation ceremony play out. Do I want a drive by ceremony on the actual scheduled day or do I want to hold out for a future date when things are maybe a little "more normal" for possibly a more traditional ceremony?
I remember wearing my red cap and gown on a June day back in 1992. I remember how happy I was that my hair looked good and that I could wear silver tasseled cords, draped around my neck - hanging down the front of my gown, signifying I was graduating high school with honors. I was proud. I was happy. I was excited to start the next chapter of my life.
I think about my son, sitting in his cap and gown in our van being handed his diploma through the window. I think about his grandparents not being there. I think about trying to make this experience as special as possible for this kid who deserves so much more yet seems quite content to participate in whatever kind of ceremony happens on the day it was originally scheduled.
And another wave hits me.
Then I think about Ray Davies, lead singer of The Kinks, and optimism becomes as clear as the opening piano notes on his masterpiece Better Things. The song contains the following sentiment which sums up what I desire for the Class of 2020.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme
And the very best of choruses, too
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way
I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead
The past is gone, it's all been said
So here's to what the future brings
I know tomorrow you'll find better things
https://youtu.be/qs6G9tisVdU
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| Senior Recognition Night, back in October, for the EA Band. This would turn out to be our only "traditional" senior event. |
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