Disappointed

Here we are a little over a month into my blog and I must say I'm a little disappointed. I really had hoped to make some progress in making myself a priority but who am I kidding. I am trying to keep the glass half full by looking at the couple of firsts I did have over the past 5 weeks. Even though they were not on the list of things I wanted to do, I am making them count.

I did get a facial which I did allude to in an earlier post. The experience was awesome and the $60 in product I bought is a gift that keeps on giving...just got credit card statement. I do feel good that I am using something expensive and Hungarian on my face each day. (Of course my husband would argue that he's Hungarian and could whip up something for free!) I think I may thin it out too much with water to make it last longer, so that may diminish its benefits. I try hard to look at my reflection and say, "Wow, that shit makes me look like I'm in my 20's!" I know it is not true but I haven't used the mask that came with the travel sized kit yet. So awesome results may be in my future. Maybe I'll wait until I'm 6 months from 40 for that. Looks like I have a date in March.

I also saw my husband and son perform together in a band. Ok, not a real band but one I put together just for my daughter's 9th birthday. She had a rock n' roll themed party and I thought it would be awesome to get my musically inclined relatives to perform her favorite One Direction song, "What Makes You Beautiful." I can't believe how my cousins and inlaws came together for this occasion. We had my brother-in-law on keyboard, my cousin's son on drums and her soon to be fiancé on guitar, my other cousin's husband on vocals, my husband on bass and my son on cello. They practiced individually but rehearsed the day of the party. Even though I was semi pissed when it was time for the show, because I had been running the party solo upstairs while the Miller Lites were flowing in the garage, it really was worth it. My daughter loved it and so did all the party people. I was so proud of everyone but especially my husband and my son. Both are very shy and came out of their comfort zones to make a little girl happy. This was my dream and I made it happen...this makes me feel young and hip and so...rock n' roll.

I may not have been doing what I wanted to do over the past month, my 5k or taking an art class but I have been busy. Rediscovering myself has to involve the person I am now, a wife and mother. Finding ways to be myself within these roles is what makes the journey tricky. Being satisfied with what I am able to achieve within my current constraints is what I struggle with.

Here Come The Waterworks

It happened again. Another pre 40 meltdown. The first one happened a few months ago while watching the movie This Is 40. As Paul Rudd's wife in the movie was celebrating her 39th birthday, again, I had a harsh realization that my August 2013 birthday would be my final for my thirty's. The tears came and they came hard. I could not stop the powerful emotions that overtook me. I woke up the kids with my wailing and scared my husband. He normally is a good consoler but the vibe I was getting was "what the Faaaaaa?"

So this second one happened last night. This time we were watching a tv show and a 9 year old boy asked his dad how old he was. The dad muttered 41, and the kid replied, that is old. Much like the first time, the tears just gushed but luckily all kids remained in bed. The main thing different about this time, is that Rex Goliath was in the house and so was my monthly visitor, whom we  affectionately call Hilda. Both may have helped to create a perfect storm of irrational emotionalty.

My husband was even less consoling last night and I think he is over it. The whole me wanting to have a huge 40th birthday party is not what bothers him its the me trying to plan, organize and direct the event. I think he really wants to do something nice but I am not letting him for fear of being disappointed. I know in my heart I cannot be disappointed on this birthday especially in my aging state of mind.

Men just don't get it. I told my husband that part of the problem is that his sexiest years are still ahead of him...salt and pepper hair, furrowed brow, hearing loss. My sexiest days are past. Of course that is probably not a result of my age but because of the three children I carried. Holy stretch marks Batman! I had my first ever facial last weekend, which was awesome but I ended up buying a $60 travel size kit of products because I was told my face is showing signs of aging. When I told my husband about the organic Hungarian face crème I bought, his response was take it back. He then brought up my 92 year old grandmother who had great skin for nine decades and all she used was Noxzema and nicotine.

So in closing I have learned a few things, I need to stop watching movies and tv for awhile and start smoking.